I Expect DSS Will Be Paying the Suburban Lesbian Household A Visit Any Day Now...

Approximately 46 seconds after LT and I finished putting kidlet's new swing set together and approximately 12 seconds after the photo to the left was taken, kidlet sustained her first swingset-related injury. Baby's first black eye. There are no photos of the carnage to post because the last thing LT and I need is photographic evidence of our parental ineptitude. Neither of us saw the injury actually occur, because I was busy lighting my crack pipe, and LT was distracted by the random stranger she was having sex with. I heard kidlet crying and nonchalantly strolled over to the back of the little "clubhouse" part of the swingset to find kidlet sitting on the ground at the bottom of the steps with her hand over her right eye. "I go boom!", she wailed. I took her hand away from her eye to find a red bump just below her eye (and was relieved to find her eyeball still firmly in place in its customary location) and said "Do you want Mama to kiss it better?". Kidlet nodded, I gave her a big, goopy kiss, and all was right with the Universe. I demonstrated proper step-climbing technique, and kidlet spent another half hour happily playing on the slide.

I had completely forgotten kidlet's "bump" (and also most of my nursing education) by the time dinner was over. By the time we put kidlet to bed, she had a dime-sized light purple bruise on her cheek, just below her eye. No biggie, I thought.

The next morning, kidlet woke me up calling "Mama, my cheeky hurts". Imagine my surprise upon seeing kidlet standing up in her crib with a black eye. "Whaa-", I stammered, "Oh my God. Who punched you in your poor little face?" Inside, I was screaming "Holy fuck! Someone snuck into the house last night and punched my kid in the face!" Then I remembered the swingset incident from the night before. I gave her a bunch of goopy kisses and apologized for being a poor excuse for a mother and a negligent nurse, and kidlet giggled her infectious little giggle and said "Silly Mama". When we arrived at daycare and her teacher looked at her and gasped, "Kidlet has a boo-boo! What happened?", kidlet replied "Silly Mama punched me in the face!"


MY OWN WOMAN said...

Thank you so much for the laugh (and yes, I laughed out loud for three reasons.)

1. You didn't rush your child to the local emergency department because you knew it was just a bump, probably the first of many. You didn't need justification or documentation for being a parent who is responsible. (You did put the crack pipe out first, didn't you?)

2. My oldest daughter who is now 27 feel down 2 short steps when she was about 10 years old. She said it hurt and I believed her, but I didn't believe it was broken. We walked about for the better part of the day and then sat down to have dinner. When she went to get up, she couldn't bear weight on her foot. I took her to the ER because I was "tired of her whining" and yep.....it was broke! Bad, bad, mom. The doctor did comfort me by telling me it wasn't bad and he could see from my daughter's explanation of the incident why I didn't make too much of things.

3. My youngest daughter didn't get injured but was weaving in and out of clothes in a department store and in general raising havoc. She was 5 and I told her father to take her out to the car and I would be out in a minute. He picked her up and kind of tossed her over his shoulder. All the way out of the store she was hitting him on the back screaming, "Somebody help me, he's not my daddy." (By the way, nobody stopped my husband to see if she as yelling the truth.)

The moral of the story? Sometimes you just have to hide your face and hope nobody from work sees you.

By the way, I enjoy your blog.

shrimplate said...

I hope she feels better soon!

Anonymous said...

OMG< ok, funny story about kids repeating things... When Tina got a new car, she was trying to convince Oakley to take a ride in it, so she told him she had a surprise in the car.. it was the song "booty call" which he loves. Flash forward 3 months to when she goes to KY.. hse is on the phone with him and she tells him that if he has a good week at school, she will bring him a surprise. He says "I know what the surprise is!" Then without missing a beat he says "TT is going to bring me a booty call!!!!".

Yike!! So far we haven't had to explain THAT one! LOL!

I'm glad Kidlet is ok!