Where I've Been

Hi! Look! An update! How exciting!

I've been busy. Really busy, people. I'm overwhelmed, actually, with the amount of stuff that is crowding my emotional/mental in-box. I've spent the last several weeks trying to get a grip and sort through all the stuff, and I think I've gotten enough of a handle on it that I can at least talk about some of it, so here goes.

I've made (not-so) veiled reference to the fact that my job sucks. It has now progressed from plain suckitude to completely out of control badness. I have tried to take a "this too shall pass" attitude and try to ride it out, but things have completely broken down now, and I'm in a position where I feel professionally unsafe. I've made the decision to spend the next 4 weeks tying up the loose ends that have been dangling out there while I've been consumed with doing everyone else's job, and then I'm outta here. I actually had a moment the week before Christmas when I would have handed in my keys and just left were I not in the midst of planning and preparing for major surgery. I PROMISE I will divulge all the details soon, but I don't know if anyone from work reads this, and I don't want to say too much when I'm still in a position where I might be punished for it.

So, about that surgery thing... did you all know I'm fat? Like, somewhere between "chubby" and "morbidly obese" fat? I was trying to remember if I've ever mentioned it here, and I don't think so. Over the past year I've been doing a lot of research and exploring my options for losing about 80 pounds of excess weight. I've had some success in changing my head by acknowledging that I'm a food addict and working an OA program, but I really feel like I need more than that. I have a cardiac arrythmia that makes it difficult for me to exercise to my full potential, and therefore I have a mostly sedentary lifestyle. It's all a viscious cycle, and I need something to break the cycle. So, on January 15 I'm having gastric bypass surgery. I haven't really talked about it with anyone except my family and closest friends, so it's weird to see it out there on my computer screen. It's been an emotional struggle for me to come to terms with the fact that I am not in control of my body, and I can't emphasize enough how painful it is to live this way. There are many things that I find it difficult to do because of my weight, but nothing that is impossible. It's not about how I look. I'm not even concerned with passing my bad habits and sick relationship with food on to kidlet. It's that I want my life back. The older I get, the heavier I get, and the more I retreat into my guilt and shame. I fear for the future if this cycle continues, and I'm not so far gone yet that I can't see how much it sucks. I have very mixed emotions about the fact that it will require such drastic measures to get a grip on myself, but the predominant feeling I have is relief that the option is available to me, and hope that it will be a success.

Kidlet is in a very funny stage these days. By that I mean that she is in a stage where she is very funny person. She comes out with these proclamations that make me feel like I'm seeing the future, and the future is sarcastic and attidudinal. My 2 year old actually said "Mama, don't you worry about me. I'm just fine." I swear to god! Can you imagine!? What the hell is that all about? LT and I just stood there, speechless.

I have Christmas pictures to post, but I haven't managed to transfer them from camera to computer yet, so you'll have to wait. This year was actually fun. Kidlet opened one gift at a time, played with it for hours, then said "I open another present now?". The result of this leisurely approach is that we still have gifts to open- one at home and 2 at the grandfolks'. I guess it's good to spread the season out a bit, huh? At this rate, it'll be her birthday before she finishes opening her Christmas gifts. Such a funny little alien I live with.